On Max Miller’s dinner

Survivors cook a lot of dinners for their abusers.

If you don’t know what I am referencing, I am talking about a now viral video posted by Ohio Congressman Max Miller about the accusations of abuse made by his now ex-wife. Emily Moreno has stated that Miller assaulted her multiple times, including an incident in which he held a gun to her head. Moreno has also accused Miller of physically abusing their daughter, who suffered a fractured collarbone earlier this year. In the aftermath of those disclosures Miller made the above linked video in which he said: “These are incredibly serious criminal accusations. If these accusations were true, I would be in jail — I would be. My former wife would not have been offering to cook me dinner and inviting me to playgrounds. Think about that.”

I worked with survivors of domestic violence for over 25 years and I will say this again…

They cooked a lot of dinners for their abusers. Now I want to tell you why.

They cooked dinner for their abusers because they wanted to keep the peace. They wanted to smooth over the rough edges and decrease the potential for conflict. Because they knew all too well that conflict means danger and making dinner is a way to keep themselves safe. To not get hurt.

They cooked dinner for their abusers because they had children. They wanted to make a family life for their kids with meal time and family time and all the things other kids have. And they didn’t want their kids to deal with the abuse either. So they made dinner, and made peace. At least for one more evening.

They cooked dinner for their abusers because they needed to make their households work. Leaving is dangerous and throwing out your abuser is really hard — and for too many survivors, not an economic reality. So they made dinner because that was just what needed to happen to keep a roof over their heads and a home for their children.

They cooked dinner for their abusers because their own damn parents didn’t support them. Their families thought they should just deal with the abuse, that staying and hurting was more acceptable than leaving. They stood in their kitchens knowing that the people most equipped to help them failed — or refused — to do so. Knowing that systems like courts and law enforcement also failed them because they were never designed to help survivors in the first place. But parents? Parents should help their children. Parents should prioritize their child’s safety over their own power or political careers. But sometimes they don’t. That sure seems to be the case for Emily Moreno, whose father, Ohio Senator Bernie Moreno, took what felt like forever to speak out against his former son-in-law. Senator Moreno finally spoke clearly about the abuse two days ago even though the allegations have been out in the public conversation for months. And you know what Emily Moreno did while she waited for her father to vocalize his support? Probably made some more dinners.

Sometimes, maybe a lot of times, they cooked dinner for their abusers because they loved them. They both loved them and desperately wanted the abuse to stop — a dynamic much more common than most people care to realize. They made those dinners while hoping and dreaming for the relationship they wanted. With their partners, but safe.

Max Miller’s video was utterly shameful but also entirely not surprising. Abusers use the behavior of their partners to minimize, deny, or justify their abuse all the time. Hearing Miller’s statement enraged me, but also broke my heart. Because here is something I know about survivors: they spend a lot of time wondering if there was something else they could have or should have done differently. After years of hearing it’s all their fault, it’s so hard not to internalize that. My heart breaks for another reason, because here is something I know about the court of public opinion: it usually doesn’t side with the survivor. Victim blaming is about as old as time, and the weight of it sits heavily on the shoulders of every survivor I have ever met. In service to lifting that weight, so many of us speak the following like it’s a mantra — believe survivors. But I have come to realize that people also need to understand survivors if we are to change the culture and tradition of blaming victims. And we need to change that culture if we are going to ensure the Max Millers of the world cannot abuse with abandon and get re-elected without consequence. Because he really needs to not be re-elected and so far he is absolutely refusing to drop out of his race. Imagine the message it sends to Emily Moreno if the man who held a gun to her head is sent back to DC to make decisions about the health and safety of others.

I write this piece because I want folks to understand. I want them to understand and believe. I don’t want survivors to always have to lay their trauma bare just to get people to care. I want more folks to understand why survivors don’t ‘just leave’ or call the police. To realize that we can’t always judge people by the decisions they make, but instead have to bear witness to the options they had. To get why sometimes — a lot of times — the only goal for survivors is to get through the day.

And that means making dinner.