Abuse should get you arrested, not elected

Abusing your partner should be disqualifying for an elected position. Sexual harassment should be disqualifying for an elected position. Full stop.

But over and over, voters in this country are faced with candidates who have a long history of domestic violence and/or sexual violence and harassment. Too often, those candidates are elected in spite of — or I fear sometimes because of — their serial abuse of women. Thankfully, the city that produced generations of my family did not make such a choice this past week. They sent Andrew Cuomo, a serial sexual harasser of women — packing. Not that he has taken the hint, but more on that in a bit.

For those of us who are close to the issue of intimate partner violence, either as a survivor or a survivor advocate (like me), seeing the widespread minimization of the impact of such violence is incredibly painful. To be clear, domestic and sexual violence remain rampant in this country. This is not a unique or isolated issue. According to the National Domestic Hotline, over 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Given those numbers, it stands to reason that there are countless people in this country who have perpetrated violence against an intimate partner. And often, those people run for office. Sometimes, they occupy the highest office in the land.

We should not elect people who abuse their partners or who go after women in general. Particularly those who are serial abusers who show no remorse or accountability for the harm they have caused. As someone who has worked with families impacted by domestic violence for many years, I am the first one to cheer for someone who has caused harm and is now trying to get the support they need to change that behavior. I wish them well on that journey. But there are far too many people who have abused with impunity and shown no interest in taking responsibility for the hurt and fear they have caused. We need to change the culture that allows for their violence to be minimized, hidden, or explained away in service to their bid for public office. Their abuse should be disqualifying. This is of course because domestic and sexual violence are unacceptable, and should not be rewarded with a position of power. But there is another reason that not enough people are talking about.

Abusers make terrible leaders.

Let’s take Andrew Cuomo’s decision to stay in the race after being defeated this past week in the NYC mayoral primary. What first stands out to me is that Cuomo shows us yet again that he isn’t willing to take no for an answer. He was unwilling to hear it from the women in his midst and continues to be unwilling to hear it from voters. He is told no and continues to force himself into situations where he is not welcome. The people around him set a limit and he cannot hear or act on the feedback. Essentially the message that sends is that he will be in your lives whether you want him or not.

That’s assuredly not leadership.

The best leaders inspire others to work with them. They support the leadership of those around them. They build power in coalition with others, and by building coalition with others. Leadership isn’t forcing people to accept your vision, your policies, or your interpretation of what’s best for your community. It’s joining with your community to create a vision where multiple voices are heard and valued, and where those voices come together to call for change. The call might not be completely harmonious, but eliciting many voices is to me a hallmark of healthy and inclusive leadership. But then there is Andrew Cuomo, who has chosen to ignore many, many voices that surround him. From the women who worked for and around him to the voters who clearly made a different choice, Andrew Cuomo has chosen not to listen. Active listening, respecting boundaries, and taking feedback are all features of a strong leader. Features Andrew Cuomo has failed to demonstrate.

The best leaders invite people to join their “we”, not force a situation to promote their “me”.

Abusers are all about power and control, and politicians like Andrew Cuomo show repeatedly that they are all about their own power. Hence his refusal to accept that someone else might get the power associated with residence in Gracie Mansion. And people driven by a need for power make decisions based on what serves their power, not what serves their people.

Abusers make bad leaders because they see others as extensions of their own needs. They hurt their victims in service to maintaining control of them. And if they do so to their partners or professional subordinates (where there is an inherent imbalance of power), it stands to reason they would do the same to their constituents. One need not look any further than the current occupant of the Oval Office. The colossal amount of harm being done by our Abuser-in-Chief is completely in line with who he is as a person. Something I’ve written extensively about before, Donald Trump is a horridly perfect example of what happens when you give a serial abuser the power to cause widespread harm. We have given a very violent man a platform to do all the things an abuser does: hurt people with impunity; gaslight and lie; refuse to take accountability; blame others; punish those who challenge them; and keep people guessing so that they never feel safe and secure. Abusers punish simply because they can, and simply because it helps them maintain their power. Trump’s systemic punishment of immigrants or trans people absolutely exemplifies those abusive tactics. Tell lies and mete out punishment arbitrarily to keep people fearful and augment your ability to establish control.

This is what policy looks like when it mirrors the dynamics of an abusive relationship. And it’s not just policy, it’s how such “leaders” relate to others — even those who are theoretically on their side. Currently, Trump and his enablers are bullying other GOP lawmakers into voting for a budget bill that will literally kill people by threatening to support their challengers in upcoming primaries. The message? You support me no matter what, even if it hurts the people around you, to avoid being punished yourself. And Trump has so much power to punish those who cross him. Why? Because we have handed him all that power with our votes.

We should not elect people with a history of domestic/sexual violence. We should not elect people who hurt their partners, commit rape, or sexually harass their staff. And if you are an elected leader with your own powerful platform, you should not use that power to aide such candidates with your endorsement. Full stop.

It’s a slap in the face to their victims. Imagine what it is like to go public with the abuse you have experienced at the hands of a powerful politician, have your name and reputation raked over the coals, only to see scores of people decide that your abuser is just the person they want to lead them. Imagine that.

It also sends a message that such violence is acceptable. It shows how much we condone interpersonal violence and devalue the experiences of survivors. It clearly communicates to our youth that harming a partner is totally fine, or fine enough that it won’t preclude you from becoming mayor — or even president! It shows that it’s acceptable to express your anger with violence and cross boundaries with impunity. As domestic and sexual violence are overwhelmingly perpetrated against women it also says so much about the status and safety of women and girls in this country. As we continue to wring our hands over how so many young men have become so disaffected and angry, we need to look no further than the examples set for them by these politicians. Including the President of the United States. We should not reinforce those horrendous messages with our votes.

And ultimately, abusers cannot be the leaders we need. They have shown us they cannot and will not act in a way that creates safety for others. Because ultimately, they are their only constituent.

And their power.